Dear Badass Beautiful Unicorn (yes, you!),
I am constantly tossing the same question around in my head over and over again: What message am I trying to share? I had stage 4 breast cancer, and now I have no evidence of disease. While this is a huge accomplishment that I celebrate as much as possible, I want to be careful because I don’t have the magical answer to cure cancer, and I don’t ever want to give the impression that because I have no evidence of disease I know what I’m doing. The truth is, I don’t. I’m just winging it. Hell, I don’t know that I have any answers, to be honest. I’m just trying things that sometimes work, sometimes they don’t. And sometimes they work, I resist it for whatever reason, and end up circling back to it. I’m imperfect.
But I share hoping that you will hear what I have to say and think, “I should give that a try!” Or it sparks a new idea that works for you. Or you just feel less alone. Connection is all I want and if we can learn something from each other, even better.
Having cancer puts you in such a vulnerable place. It’s confusing, dark, and terrifying. And not everyone wants to go out there and be vulnerable by sharing all of it. That’s ok. I’m just a sharer. Not because I want the attention. The attention makes my palms sweaty and my heart feel like it’s going to burst right through my rib cage. I share because I want to connect. I want you to feel less alone. I want to teach you things that I learn in hopes that it helps you! And I want to learn from you, too :)
I love to research and learn. I’ve been that way my whole life so when I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I did most of what my doctors told me to do, but I also spent hours and hours reading and learning everything I could. I probably drive my doctors crazy because I’m always doing things that make them look at me like I’m nuts. (For example, when I told one of my doctors I was going plant based, he just didn’t understand why or why I was even telling him about it. Now he refers to me as his miracle patient, so boo-yah!) But there’s something I realized early on: doctors are just people. Yes, they went to school and spent hours and hours learning to do their jobs they have and they’re knowledgeable. They deserve respect for what they are doing! But doctors aren’t some all-knowing, god-like beings. Ultimately, I get to decide what does or does not happen to my body. So, while I listen to them and do what feels right (sometimes I tell them no, and they don’t really like it, but at this point, they’re getting used to it.), I also get out there and learn things for myself, follow my intuition, and do things that maybe aren’t “normal.” So if I’m going to spend all this time researching and learning, trying things to see if they do anything positive for me, why not share it with someone looking for answers? Maybe I’ll end up sparking something in you to figure out what you need! It might not look exactly like what I’m doing, but that part doesn’t matter. What matters is that you find what works for you.
What I’ve found is that so many people out there influencing health and wellness come across as having all the answers. And usually whatever they’re doing is being portrayed as if it is executed perfectly and easily. That just isn’t me. (It probably isn’t them either, but ::shrug::) Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot from other people online whether it’s on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, or whatever, but I’ve also felt icky from some of them. I begin to feel like I’m doing it wrong or I begin to envy them which then makes me feel not-so-great about myself and it makes my goals seem impossible to reach. That’s the opposite of what I want to achieve. I never want to make you feel like you aren’t good enough or like you can’t achieve your goals or like your goals aren’t as good as mine or that there’s something wrong with you if you are imperfect. I’m imperfect too, and most of the time, I don’t achieve my goals in the way I planned! Sometimes it takes way longer than I had hoped, and sometimes I have to scrap my plan all together and try something else. And that. is. ok. We’re perfectly imperfect!
So, clearly, I’ve had difficulty finding my online voice. Silver lining to the pandemic: I’ve had more time than usual to think, feel, and work through some shit. I think I’m finally getting to a place where I don’t feel the pressure to be like anyone else online or in real life. I don’t feel pressure to be perfect anymore. I don’t feel the need to provide some mind-blowing, miracle answers. That just isn’t realistic. Instead, I’m sharing what I think, what I do (and it won’t be perfect), and what I learn. Because ultimately, I write like this for myself, but also for you. I want you to know that you are great! You are wonderful and strong. You’re a bad bitch.
Hopefully, you’ll enjoy hanging out here with me, and take it easy on yourself. :) We’ll make mistakes, we’ll try things that don’t work. And for sure, we’ll do some really hard shit. We’ll fail, but we’ll also succeed! And is it really a failure if we learn from it? I don’t think so. We’re badass, beautiful unicorns that deserve all the good things. That is the truth and possibly the only definite answer I have.
Alright, you Badass Beautiful Unicorn you, let’s fly!